6 Gentle Approaches for Managing Sibling Rivalry at Home

In many families, it is common to find that siblings have conflicts with each other. These fights between siblings can cause deep-seated sibling rivalry and create an uncomfortable home environment.  

In extreme cases that end in sibling bullying, it can lead to depression, self-harm, and lower self-esteem. Siblings fight simply because it’s a natural part of growing up. However, if such fights are not solved, they can weaken the sisterly-brotherly bond. The good news is that parents can effectively cope with the problem and help children become better siblings for each other.

Here, we shall see some useful suggestions for managing sibling rivalry and having a relatively peaceful household. The first example I will give you is a small story of how exactly these strategies can be executed in practice.

Emma and Jake

Emma and Jake were good siblings with lots of affection for each other, but they still pulled each other’s leg and fought a lot. These disputes usually concerned petty issues like toys, who gets to sit in the car’s front seat, or even things like being attended to by their parents more. 

With time, these disputes escalated into arguments. This made Emma, the firstborn child, jealous of Jake because she thought he would always be let off the hook because he was younger. On the other hand, Jake thought Emma was always appreciated for being good at school work and chores and felt unappreciated.

It did not take long before Sarah and Tom, their parents, realized that it was time to intervene and start managing sibling rivalry. They both adored the children and wished to make the house a happy place from the children’s point of view. So, watching the fights’ roots, they discovered that both Emma and Jake felt like they were playing in a love-and-attention contest.

What Causes Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry occurs when children develop a resentment attitude that makes them feel like rivals. Some common reasons for this rivalry include:

• Competing for Attention: It is a common problem where children think their sibling is loved more or receives more praise or attention than them.
• Personality Differences: One child will probably be more playful than the other, and these differences will cause several conflicts between them.
• Sharing and Possessions: Children will likely fight over toys, space, or possessions they value. Sharing is not very easy, particularly for young children.
• Age and Developmental Stages: The older ones may feel that the younger one is a bother, while the younger one may think that the older one always has their way.

The first thing to know is why your children are fighting in the first instance. That way, once you know the cause, you are in a position to act.

6 Tried and True Tips for Managing Sibling Rivalry

Seeing your children caught up in sibling rivalry is disheartening, but it does not have to be the case throughout their childhood. Here are six helpful tips you can use to de-escalate sibling fights. 

1. Spend Time To Understand Each Child

One reason Emma and Jake fought was fighting over the parents’ attention. To solve this, Sarah and Tom ensured that each child received individual attention through individual playtime with them. 

They would just hang out with her, doing the things that she liked, such as reading books and discussing school matters, and then playing games that Jake liked and discussing his day. This special attention meant that both children felt appreciated and loved, which made them less likely to battle for the same attention.

Intentional parents ask how to show each child that he or she is loved and special in their own way. in fact, this is one of the most important steps when managing sibling rivalry. Play with each child according to their preferences for at least one hour each day. This small gesture makes children feel safe and minimizes incidences of jealousy.

2. Self-Regulation and Conflict Solving

Emma and Jake’s fights would drag to the point of getting out of hand, but their parents started teaching them a more positive approach. 

Rather than calling out their names to criticize them for reaching out for toys, Sarah and Tom guided them into verbally expressing their feelings. For instance, if Jake wanted to play with Emma’s toy, they would teach him to voice his desire to switch instead of grabbing it.

To prevent such rivalry among children, you should help your children develop manners for solving disputes without fighting. 

It’s important that they speak their feelings in words, not by raising their voices or being violent. For example, “I get angry when you take my toys.” Then, encourage them to find solutions everyone will like, such as sharing or rotating the items. Your children can grow up to competently handle conflict with others, even if you have to intervene a few times.

3. Set Clear Rules and Boundaries

Initially, Emma and Jake did not know how to manage conflict within their relationship, and their fights would escalate once in a while. Sarah and Tom noticed that the kids had become somewhat confused about proper conduct. They taught Emma and Jake that they cannot hit people, shout at them, or call them bad names. Instead, they should speak to each other politely or seek assistance.

Well-defined family rules help children understand acceptable behavior. Use phrases like ‘No hitting,’ ‘Sharing is caring,’ ‘Taking turns,’ and ‘Gentle hands or words.’ 

Ensure that you teach communication rules to your children, and you can even refresh them each time a disagreement arises. The reliability of such rules must be practiced every time a dispute arises.

4. Avoid Comparing Your Children

One mistake that Sarah and Tom realized they had been making was comparing their children. They both complained to each other that their parents favored the other. Emma pointed out that her parents seemed to love Jake more, and Jake said that he noticed that his parents thought of Emma as the ‘good’ child. 

These comparisons only compounded the competition they’d been having. After the parents ceased comparing them, the two children ceased to feel the quells of rivalry, and confidence ensued.

Do not compare your children to one another, as this can cause confusion. Every child is special. Try not to put them in contrast with their siblings and try to encourage them more, especially when you see them doing well. This assists in developing their esteem and prevents them from feeling unloved or not good enough.

5. Promote Teamwork

This work showed Sarah and Tom that getting Emma and Jake to perform tasks together made them more accepting of each other. They provided them with things to do in groups, such as tidying up their toys or assembling a puzzle. They were less prone to arguing and more likely to spend their time together while working on something as a team.

When your kids work on tasks or engage in fun activities together, it becomes easier for them to strengthen their relationships. This teamwork teaches them that they can rely on their sibling for help if they need to do a chore. In games, they learn that their sibling isn’t an opponent but a partner.

6. Praise Positive Behavior

When your children are playing well, sharing, or helping each other, it’s important to acknowledge and encourage their positive behavior. When children feel appreciated, they are more likely to repeat those actions. For example, if Emma and Jake play with their toys and share them without arguing, Sarah and Tom should praise their cooperation. This reinforces the positive behavior.

Complimenting good work enables a change of focus from competition to teamwork. Children will likely duplicate positive actions when they are aware that these actions are recognized.

Managing Sibling Rivalry is Possible

Sibling rivalry is natural and unavoidable. Kids will compete over everything—who gets the last slice of pizza, which movie to watch—but with time and some thoughtful techniques, you can calm the tension and create a more peaceful home. Spending quality time with each child, teaching them to resolve conflicts, and encouraging teamwork will help them build healthier relationships.

According to Dr. Raymond Raad from RIVIA Mind, children struggle to reflect on what’s upsetting them. Implementing the tips discussed can help children understand the emotions driving rivalry and make meaningful progress in reducing sibling conflict.

Fellow mamas, I’d love to know what you’ve found helpful in managing sibling rivalry between your kids. Share your thoughts in the comments below.